baby steps

some days i feel like i'm travelling in baby steps toward a glistening destination.

other days i'm leaping, rapidly approaching my end goal.

every once in a while i get swept up in a tornado 
and i'm begging to feel grounded again.

the only thing i know for sure is that each day is a part of the greater whole. 
each day will serve it's purpose.

it's been staring me in the face

today i decided to stare back, 

to follow my heart and trust.

sometimes moments of clarity carry a weight, 

but perhaps that's what makes them truly clear, 

the reality that the right path is not always the easiest to travel.

more

the beauty in her curiosity delights me.

when i can be here, when i can be present i see it, 

but when i get sidetracked, 

when i let visions of distant places stand in my way, 

i feel lost. disconnected. displaced.

i want more.

i want to be with my children in the depths of their moments.

i want to support my husband in ways he never dreamed possible. 

i want to love myself.

i want to be here now, in every moment, 
absorbing the deliciousness of every breath i take.

and so...

tomorrow i will follow my heart.

rooted

"i choose you"

a wedding:

-stripped of the excess gloss and the glamour

-carefully chosen guests

-a meaningful location

-belly warming delicious food

-dancing shoes

-love, laughter, presence

with these things

a bride and groom, beaming with joy and passion,
 rooted themselves deeper into the ground that supports them

when

when was the first time you touched the queen anne's lace?

did she shudder with excitement?

share with you her wisdom?

did she inspire you?

inspire you to live completely, 

cycling with the seasons, 

living as fully in your bloom as in your rest?

if it's been a while, it's been too long

find yourself a field

let her speak to you

let her share with you the wonders of the world

moving up

the summer before kindergarten:

melted away are the last pockets of baby fat,

her bones: longer, stronger, and strikingly beautiful underneath her tan summer skin.

a space where her tooth once laid sits vacant.

my home is about to get a little quieter;

in the stillness they'll be a lightness, a freedom, and also a weight, 
a change that sits in every moment.

the surrender

the waves they were warm, they were powerful, they kept coming: 
some more powerful than others, 
some knocking you down, 
some making you feel strong and confident. 

every once in a while i found myself caught off guard needing a break, but they kept coming, no relief until i found my way back to shore. 
it was powerful and beautiful and out of my control. 

it's been a long time since i was in labor, 
there's a good chance i'll never find myself in labor again. 
a visit to the ocean periodically is a good reminder, 
a means of understanding the surrender again.

father and daughter

birth

birth.

it calls me:

sings to me in the wee oxytocin filled hours of the night,

whispers my name in the crowds spotted with pregnant bellies,

strengthens my patience in the stretching on-call weeks.

birth.

it suits me:

fits me like a glove,

like the soft sweet arms of my children,

like the strong warm muscles of my life partner.

birth.

it fills me with pure unimaginable delight.

waiting

ever feel anxious?

hoping, wishing, praying that something completely out of your control will happen...

i can feel it.

i can feel how very excited i'll be when it happens.

but i keep waiting:

hoping, wishing, praying

"please, please come"

playground days

my playground days are numbered. 

before i know it: they'll be asking for spending money 
instead of under-dogs,

 i'll be watching cars full of teenagers drive away 
instead of strong little arms swinging from monkey bars,  

after school play dates will turn to date nights...

i'm both eagerly awaiting the return of my "freedom"

and anxiously holding on to their snuggly little bodies 
all curled up in my lap and my heart.

the buzz

this beautiful precious world is suckling at our finger tips. 

it tickles, it delights, it excites us if we let it.

so get out there, drink your coffee in the sunshine,
 take you kids to the playground, 
run your toes trough the grass.

let the world infuse you with it's buzz.

a fresh start

my computer crashed and i was forced to take a break, a power nap. 
it encouraged me to step away, count my losses, and make a choice to start fresh. 
now, as i bloom again, i plan on taking things a little slower, 
infusing each step i take with intention and purpose,
caressing the life inside every moment as best i can... 
here we go...

in passing

Perhaps in passing we do not reach the end,

but are given the opportunity to stand atop a peak and look in both directions.

We can look back at the gifts we have been given,

the challenges we have overcome,

and the beauty that surrounded us.

We can look forward into the light, into the mystery

and with the strength of our loved ones deep in our hearts

we can begin our next journey.

where the fairy house lays

it's magic. 

magic in the bits of tree bark, magic in the perfect foundation, 

the glistening stones, the silver moss, 

and most of all the magic lies in the mystery. 

the fairies represent the presence of something more, something mystical, 

something worth believing in.

a staycation

i've been jonsing for a vacation lately. 

wishing to feel the hot carribean sun or explore the intricate details of cultures afar. 

but right here, right in this very place i've been treasuring the gifts that keep giving, 

my kiddos who keep me laughing, keep me thriving, keep me on my toes. 

i've been absorbing the changing weather, 

letting it restore me, letting it fill me, letting it inspire me.

roller girl and her buds

she's fast, so fast. the pic on the top was all i could catch of her. 
but the most beautiful sight was when she slowed down, when she checked in with her friends, took it down a few notches to be with them. 

she's like that. fast and furious, but gentle and kind. 
she can get your fire raging and she can melt your heart to mush. 
she'll do good, she'll find her own sweet path and conquer it.

five

she turned five. she's a girl. we celebrated.

she's my girl, but only in the sense that i have the honor of calling her my daughter. 

we share genetics but her soul, her spirit, i can't claim them, 

i can only treasure them, and treasure them i will.

opening

there's so much happening. in the swirling transitions of life i have all kinds of things to say, all kinds of thoughts to share, but they are so constantly morphing and changing i cannot keep up. if i open wide enough perhaps i can simultaneously soak in all the goodness and release the confusion. this morning when i opened myself up to my children, it felt like we moved mountains. 

playing hooky, and paint

sometimes a day at home is nature's perfect remedy

love stands strong

love was their epidural.

 it came from deep within, 
a place some of us never discover in a lifetime. 
its pillar like strength held them up. 
its perfectly grown roots kept them grounded. 
their emotional intimacy was nearly tangible.
all of these things they will carry for a lifetime.

a mellow winter

off to school.

the weather is mild. the winter gear has been terribly underused, but we're enjoying the sunshine, the carefree hat or no hat mornings. this is the game we new englanders play. peering out the window each morning not knowing what the ground will look like, ready to shovel our way out the front door or skip to school in our sneakers. 
it makes us flexible, it makes us hearty.

a shift

something shifted today. i love when that happens. 

suddenly everything seems more precious, more fluid, more enticing, and unexpectedly life feels easier. 

friendship

friendships comes in many shapes and sizes, each stretching, changing, and sometimes slipping away as we roll through our lives. it's taken me a while but i'm starting to really get it, starting to understand the delicate intricacies of human relationships. i have a long way to go... 
fortunately even the baby steps feel monumental. 

unguilty pleasures

i bought this today. i spent $1.59 of our hard earned money on this perfectly processed package. it's for the ski mountain; it's for the girls; it's my attempt at sharing with them one of the childhood memories that fills me with love. they probably won't like, i probably won't like it either, but it will still serve it's purpose. it will be money well spent. i love it when something simultaneously feels so incredibly wrong and so perfectly right.

with gratitude

this morning my heart feels very full, it's overflowing with abundance. today i will share this joy, i will spread it into my community in the best way that i know how. i will also cherish it, i will humbly thank the sources that fill my life 
and i will move forward.

seeking peace

january finds me at rest. in my modified hibernation i'm letting go, lowering my expectations, slowing down. the rolling changes of new england weather suit my personality quite nicely. in bursts of energy i complete the tasks that cannot be ignored and when the wind shifts i settle into the closest, most comfortable nook and i seek peace. this is, as it seems, my month of rest.

goodness

the work i have chosen connects me so deeply, so intimately to families i hardly know. for the first time in a long time i feel passionate about my place in this world. 
i feel confident and proud to be making a difference, 
as if my very being is rippling goodness into the world.

somewhere in between

managing what once was with what i hope to be has me feeling constricted. hovering between two lifestyles i feel out of control. i can look at the past and appreciate what i have been given and i can see the future and visualize my dreams coming true, 
but here in the middle of two places i feel uneasy, overwhelmed, 
yet quite fortunately... excited.

inside or out?

sometimes confusion has you feeling like an outsider looking in and sometimes confusion has you feeling like an insider looking out. 
either way, it's quite unsettling.